Falling in Love via an App

This reflection was presented at the Saint-Anne Colloquium in May 2024, examining the potential differences between virtual encounters and those occurring in physical settings.

The Phases of App-Based Romance

The process of falling in love through a dating app involves distinct phases.

Initial engagement focuses on crafting an appealing profile with visual and textual elements to attract matches, allowing people to “project their desires and search for a mirroring effect.” This phase is characterised by a form of self-curation: one presents an idealised or curated self, raising questions about authenticity and projection.

Direct communication progresses through calls and video to deepen connections and verify initial impressions. The transition from text to voice to face marks a gradual movement toward embodied presence.

The Economy of Availability

App abundance creates “a more calculated approach, often involving statistical considerations.” This constant availability can reduce abandonment fears, but raises concerns about whether users seek control over fate — and whether partners become commodified, treated like online products in a marketplace of desire.

Word choice and even typos reveal character, potentially helping users clarify preferences while reducing serendipitous encounters. The curated nature of app communication differs markedly from the accidental revelation of self that occurs in physical settings.

Ghosting and Attachment

Being “ghosted” — suddenly cut off without explanation — triggers significant emotional responses, especially for those with attachment difficulties. The abruptness of digital disappearance reactivates early relational wounds in ways that a more gradual distancing in physical settings might not.

Family dynamics and early relational patterns replay in virtual interactions just as in physical meetings. The medium changes; the unconscious does not.

The Body in Virtual Space

A central question concerns how the body engages differently in virtual encounters. Physical absence does not prevent excitement — textual communication can “erotize interactions,” moving from visual to auditory engagement. Yet something is withheld, deferred, until bodily co-presence.

Conclusion

Ultimately, the emotional experiences of excitement or loss in app-based relationships mirror traditional dating once relationships establish. The screen is a stage, not a destination. What plays out on it — desire, hope, fear, disappointment, connection — belongs to the same repertoire of human longing that has always driven us toward one another.